The Reason Why.

I dont see it as running away but finding myself and who i am again. i think that i have stated that alot but i no that at the same time its hard for everyone to understand the true reason for why i left and why i decided to let go of everything; so i will try and explain. btw sorry guys for all these bad punctuations and run on sentences i just kind of right the way my brain rambles on and thinks i guess.

One of my biggest fears in life was to be exactly like my mother. My mother is not a bad person at all, she like everyone else in life has made mistakes and struggled and what not; shes not a bad person at all. What i mean is that since i was little i was always the spitting image of my mother and constantly reminded of how i looked like her. i used to hate it growing up now i dont mind at all. Thats not the point i trying to make here... sorry went off subject a little. What i mean is this... growing up i can remember my mother happy, a hard worker and then all of a sudden that changing... then i saw my mother crying and really unhappy. My parents divorced when i was bout what seven and of course then i couldnt understand. but seeing all that i always told myself to always make sure that i would never go threw that....eaiser to say i guess.

i got married when i was twenty and was so sure of myself until i do came and reality hit because then i moved in with him and saw the true person that he is and hated it. i guess i stayed because i didnt want to go threw a divorce, i wanted what my grandparents have, something so beautiful and special. maybe one day i will but i no its not with the one i married. If u haven't already noticed i changed the title of this blog. why because i am offically letting go ive done most of it for the most part i just need to finalize it.

What lead to my leaving..... it started like this. My husband was freaking out because something went wrong with the account. Navy cash card what not those that are navy or related somehow understand what im talking bout. It pulled all our money and left us with only 300. we tried to figure out what to do to get it.. rent of course is on the first and our apartments are the type where if u dont pay on time u will be served with papers and get evicted. we couldnt go to navy relief we had to come up with the money somehow. my sister had already paid my three-day disneyland ticket to go with her so he told me to go, but the whole time i couldnt enjoy it as much as i wanted cause i had all that stuff in the back of my head plus he was constantly messaging me making me worry about it more. My sister was irritated because of it and to my sister i am sorry. The last night i was there he called me and said that we were going to get evicted that he was told he had to move back on the ship and that i had to find a place to live. He had no clue where i was going to go and that he really didnt care. That i wasnt allowed a dime of money anymore at all and that he was going to move on the ship. we argued that night which caused me to argue with my sister. i called my mother that night and i broke down in tears. i guess i just reached my breaking point.
That day that i got home my roommate stated that he told them that i was going to pick up my things and leave. i was shocked to hear that i spent two days in my room smoking drinking and crying and asking myself why did i even come back? how could i let this all happen to me? why did i put up with it all? this isnt love and i didnt get married to go threw this at all. i made a list of all that i went threw....
i decided to still marry him after he got his x pregnant and just had a kid with her (while we were engaged) ..forgave him.
two weeks into my marriage we had a domestic violence case.. forgave him
got kicked out of my room n slept on the couch or floor... forgave him
he burned some of my clothes.. forgave him
had a full blown affair the whole marriage.. not forgiven
gave my wedding rings to another female then handed them back to me...not forgiven
.....thinking my husband is bipolar..........
i am not a perfect person, i have my faults and really the list of things that happened can go on and on. i once used to blame myself for all these things that have happened to me but then realized i cant blame myself for everything. He started to put me down more... telling me how he doesnt really like brunettes (mmm yet he married one) constantly telling me i need to loose weight and other stuff. i started to question the fact if he really cared for me at all, or was he just using me? one minute he would say he loved me the next it was like he didnt give a crap about me at all.

i guess everyone has there breaking points.... i have finally reached mine! i dont deserve to go threw all this no one does! so i did what i did. packed a bag and left. i didnt turn to my family because i get the constant reminder that i made the choice to stay married to him and what not and that is true. i kept myself in the situation but felt like i was constantly getting put down for it. plus some say that i only called when i needed or wanted something so i told myself i have to do this myself. i am happy with my choice that i have made i dont regret it one bit. but now i have to finalize it all so that i can truly keep moving on.

to my family: i am doing well. i love each and every single on of u. always member that and not that u are all with me in my heart and that there is not a day or moment that passes that i dont think about u guys. xoxox.

My First Weekend n my new residence i guess u can say...

Getting here was a butt killer, but i have finally arrived in my final spot where i will be living. Its cold out here in Jersey and i no that it is only going to get colder which means i have to find a job fast so i can get warm clothes. But it is the weekend and i had to enjoy it plus u cant find a job on the weekend.

Friday- well friday i arrived here and as tired as i was i woke up because i was just in aw with this place. my friend drived me around to show me. we then got to the house and i was introduced to the other roommates. we all didnt no what to do but we knew it was going to be a cold night so we went to go get firewood. chopped it up and made a fire. we all stayed in drank and watched movies. by midnight we were all passed out. good night.

Saturday- Creamy Acres Farms Night Of Terror!!! omg!! we lounged around till bout 430 and headed out to creamy acres for this haunted stuff and omg it was so worth it it was crazy and scary and wow. if u are out in jersey go to it.after that we got home played the lil pig game i forgot the name sounds stupid but lol it was fun. then we hit the bar to see some of my friends family and went to wawa.. i love that place lol. did i mention out here ur not allowed to pump ur own gas at all.. thats crazy!

this is the link to there site:http://www.nightofterror.com/home.html

Sunday- right now and were all just being bums typical sunday.

VA,DC,NY TO NJ

I once again hopped on the bus and had a long layover n each of these places to get out and visit them a little. VA, & DC i had already did that so i kind of just slept but NY wow i fell in love! then i hit atlantic city new jersey. Its like a tiny vegas there so of course i played a lil black jack.
my final destination is new jersey. took a hour drive to get to my new place i call home. its cold out here but i like it.

My last night in North Carolina

tonight is my last night in north carolina i have to say that i am a little sad. i have met and hung out with great people and had a blast. Two nights ago got a phone call from my brother in texas and it was a great talk! yay i do have to add though although im a miss north carolina i will not miss the mosquitos!!!! great new memories here.

....other notes...

my hair is still falling out like crazy... i kind of feel like im bout to go bald no joke. its strands have minus but still if it keeps up im not going to have any more hair. i also member making fun of my moms hair when i was younger did i get the curse? :(

i was thinking today bout several things. on the radio the chick said something bout life and needing to sometimes have to take risks and all to change things and be happy and what not. and i thought bout my life right now, what im going threw etc..i got a lil fear n me what if i dont make it out here? then again i membered some wise words a family member once told me about how we come from a line of very strong women. i thought bout the things my mom and sister went threw, my grandmother and great grandmother and thought if they all did it regardless of each situation being different then i can do it too and my fear went away.

i am proud to come from the family that i do i love each and every single one of u!

The Attack of The Mosquitos

so im sitting outside here surrounded by trees an open grass, really a beautiful setting. the sun is out shining nice and bright the sky is clear of clouds. ... that wasn't the case yesterday. yesterday had somewhat of the same setting but a lil humid , not bad at all and had lots of clouds. i sat down to try and get a blog in... yea seems like one i started getting half way threw it start to rain for  5 min and then stop id try again and the rain would come back. Around six came it was clear the sun was barely going to go down i figure i run and get a blog in for out here is the only place where i get internet service and well my phone is off, so this my only communication for now. yea i sat for  a min and started getting attacked by mosquitos i now have bout 30 marks all over my body from one min. No fun at all. my allergies also started up today and have eyes swollen and two mosquito bites on my face.. awesome...not!

Day One n The Phone Call

I got here to North Carolina as u no and my friend was already waiting for me at the station. my friend had to go into work but i was able to tag along. this is going to be interesting lol. had a fun time hanging out with him and everyone he works with. They got off early for some beach bash thing. We go get ready all decide to take a shot before we go and buy some beer and head out. we didnt go to the beach bash but were across from them we went to the beach side. y did i not take a picture of this. the water looks completely different out here. the sand is super soft nothing like cali sand and the water is not salty an nasty like cali. but i will still always like Cali beaches. Great day so far.

..... as the day goes on the faster im tired.... this time difference really messes u up i tell u.......

the phone call....

i got a phone call today from my brother in texas, but it wasnt a happy or good phone call at all it was an angry one. hes mad that i made this decision and he hung up on me. i tried calling back but he wouldnt answer. My heart crushed and just fell to tiny pieces and i broke down for the first time that i been out here. How do i explain to a 15 year old what i am going threw? How do i explain to anyone the exact feeling that i have or going threw with them being able to say ok and understand. you cant. no one will ever truly no what u feel or are going threw if they havent lived it themselves in ur shoes. i just want my brothers to no that i love them both more then anything in this world along with everyone else in my family. this decision isnt to never see them again cause i will, its not to pull away from them or anything like that. its to find myself, to find my happiness, to do the things i told myself i want to do but couldnt.

D.C.,Richmond Virginia,...finally Jacksonville, North Carolina.

Got on the greyhound to North Carolina. on the way i hit d.c. and virginia. I had only bout a 15 lay over each time so no actual exploring there. just passing threw. i wish that i had a camera to be able to take pictures of the 24 hours. instead i got my phone that doesnt have a flash. but hey its better then nothing right. it be cool if we were able to produce a video in our heads and bring it out to show the world how beautiful the world is. i got to North Carolina bout 8:50 am.

Time for a new Destination!

its 6pm i think its time to leave baltimore! where shall i go next? haha keep posted and u shall see. i am so enjoying this. i am safe everyone i love u all. hugs and kisses to my family.
p.s. yes im eating and sleeping good and all that stuff in case yall wondering.

Baltimore

yes i am in baltimore chillen with the friends out here. i fell asleep in the car ride... this time difference is messing me up and i feel like time is flying by me. ahh i woke up and wow i feel like i just stepped into a movie set. am i dreaming? nope the places look wow amazing to me. the apartment or houses whatever these are are pretty cool too. passed by the Ravens stadium.. some of the tunnels go underwater haha so cool. can u tell i never really left california haha i feel like im in another world.

Atlantic City

i am in atlantic city ladies and gents. stayin at the ramada. sleep time!

sometime at night- hitting the casino lets see how much 20 bucks gets me!

results- $20 = 60  whoo whoo this place is like a mini vegas haha. love it.

Destination Philadelphia

omg i cant believe i am actually here. its 8 am in the morning im starving!!!!!!! waiting for my friend to pick me up.

ten- its bout time she gets here! blah. humm where should i stay?

Where in the world is Carolina San Diego?!

dont ask me what i have done. i have no clue. don't ask me my plans cause i have no clue. How am i doing this? i have no clue either. i have set myself on a journey my destination .... happiness.

As we speak i am on a plane. where am i go...philadelphia. y? no clue i just had to get out of cali and what popped n my head was philadelphia. how i got the money, great friends...one way ticket to philadelphia. im sorry i didnt tell anyone and just did it. im bein a lil selfish here i no but im trying to find myself again. i have packed one bag and one bag only of clothes wheres the rest of my stuff i gave it away . y? how else was i going to bring it with me it had to go somewhere. sounds insane right but it feels so good and i feel so free.

im nervous, excited and the further i get the more stress disappears. maybe this is exactly what i need. This was ment to happen. Everything in life happens for a reason. we also have two choices with different outcomes. this is the path i decided to go. I only wish i would have hugged everyone in the family before i did and let them all no that im fine and that this is something i truely want to do. im doing it! ha i kind thinking im crazy!

on a plane... time for a beer an sleep threw the flight.

My Facebook Status

once upon a time i thought i fell in love but i ended up giving up my life, my goals, my dreams just to be miserable and unhappy. Its time to move on and find myself again.. and that is what i have done.. im chasing my dreams again and being what i havent been in a long time.. happy. TO MY FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS... just no that i am doing fine i am safe and i love each and every single one of u.

NO MORE!

I cant do this anymore. I cant take it anymore. I kind of feel like an insane person i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry. Migranes are coming back up and my hair is falling out. I just spend 3 great days at Disneyland with my wonderful amazing sister , my beautiful niece, my handsome nephews and brother. It was great but still have all this drama and stress in the back of my head that wont let me enjoy it. i feel like im crazy and i dont no what to do anymore. i just want to go far far far away. im not trying to run away i just feel like i dont no who i am anymore. im tired of arguing and being unhappy i dont want to feel any of this anymore. i want me back.

No Bueno, No Bueno @ all

Since hes been home its been three days of arguing this isnt what i expected this is what i was trying to avoid and all. today we talked we think that divorce is best... we've came to the agreement.

My Husband Comes Home Today

Bud comes home today ! im nervous im excited im mad im scared im every single feeling at once this is driving me nuts......

.......its few hours before midnight he cant get a ride and is arguing me... this is not a good start....... :(
..now im terrified...

R.I.P tia Carolina Rebecca Perez

I had this horrible dream last night i dreamed of the day my tia past away only to wake and remember that that was a true dream and it happened 8 years ago today. There isn't a day that goes by that i dont think of her or wish that she was still here. There not a day that goes by that i wonder if she's proud of me or disappointed in the person that i am now. I wish she was here more then ever and sometimes im selfish and ask god why he took her away from me i felt like i lost myself when she went, and there are moments that i demand to have her back. But i no that she is still with me, shes no longer in pain and in a better place looking and watching over me. I wish she was still here sometimes i feel like i need her more now then ever. I thought that as the years pass on id be able to get it together and accept her death but i can't. I miss her so but i no she is with me.

Todays the Day!!!

i woke up this morning excited. my husband comes back home today.. as i get ready im listening to the radio as always and they announce the homecoming of his ship... thats my husband. but as i get closer to the ship every single emotion comes back. should i be there at the pier waiting for him? not knowing what to feel i called my mom and cried my heart out. i wiped the tears away, raised my head high and walked to the pier. as i waited with the rest everyone cheered and shouted all around me.. i felt like i was the only one that didn't all i could think was is this the right choice? what am i doing here? i wanted to run...but i couldn't move. we finally met and i was greeted with a lot of red roses. i was shocked.. i don't think ever once he gave me flowers until then. i thought in my head maybe he has changed. we went back on the ship.. we sat there and talked. and i admitted that i didn't know if i was going to come or not. it was hard for me to say but it needed to be said. we had a great two hours. i headed back home alone. he was on restriction... he couldn't come back home for another month. i left the pier with flowers in my hand well everyone had there families and husbands with them.. that sucked so bad to walk back alone. one more month to go.

IDK IDK IDK!

as the days get closer to ur arrival i start to freak out. im feeling a thousand and one emotions and i dunno weather i should stay or go.what do i do? Is what im feeling normal or is this a sign ?

whooo...

i got the keys to my new apartment today!!! oh and an update on that. so me n the mr. were discussing on how when he came back home that he wanted to move areas. i said ok in started looking and i just absoluetly fell in love with this apartment. so of course i had to apply and we got it. yay im so excited but then i remebered....moving sucks!!!!

oh dear military....

why do u have to be so complicated??? you made me run around three bases today just to get my husbands les. (for those of u who no, yes i no i can get it online, that would of been helpful if he didnt lock himself out of it) so ya... oh ya update... so the hubby doesnt want to live in this area anymore so i found my dream apartment and we got approved.. i am stoked!! but they needed a few info and so i got to run around base today which was not fun.

on a good note... i got them and i get to pick up the keys to my new apartment tomorrow yay!!!

btw socal people..did u feel that aftershock?? it was a lil rough... but it wasnt bad. well off to bed goodnight world.

ok before i start

just no this i have no clue what i am doing .. i thought this was going to be easy with my mac having iweb... haha its not. this is confusing... sad to say that i built this web page for me and to get it to transfer is ya not working!!! so ill deal with it like this.. btw if anyone knows how to start it and transfer what i made it would be helpful. but until then bare with me or not. whatever

Todays Thoughts..written not by me

i found this on one of my friends thoughts and boy is it so true.

"Being a military wife has a way of making things blur together, simply because of how often we have to move. Friends come and go, clothing is packed and unpacked, households are continually purged of unnecessary items, and as a result, not much sticks. It's hard at times, but it makes us strong in way that most people can't understand. Teaches us that even though people are left behind, new ones will inevitably take their place; that every place has something good---and bad---to offer."

the creation of a military wife

The good Lord was creating a model for Military Wives and was into his

sixth day of overtime when an Angel appeared.

She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one.

What's wrong with the standard model?"

The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be

completely independent, possess the qualities of both Mother and Father,

be a perfect hostess for four or forty with an hours notice, run on black

coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able

to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant or has the flu, and she

has to have six pair of hands."

The Angel shook her head. "Six pair of hands? No way!"

The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we will make other Military

Wives to help her. And we will give her an unusually strong heart

so it can swell with pride in her Husband's achievements, sustain

the pain of separation, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired,

and be large enough to say "I understand" when she doesn't and

"I love you" regardless."

"Lord", said the Angel, touching his arm gently. "Go to bed and

get some rest. You can finish this tomorrow."

"I can't stop now", said the Lord. "I am so close to creating something

so unique. Already this model heals herself when she is sick,

can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave goodbye

to her Husband from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand

why it is important that he leave."

The Angel circled the model of the Military Wife, looked at it

closely and sighed. "It looks fine, but it's too soft."

"She may look soft," replied the Lord, "but she has the strength

of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure."

Finally, the Angel bent over and ran her finger across

the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak," she announced.

"Something is wrong with the construction. I'm not surprised that

it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model."

The Lord appeared offended at the Angel's lack of confidence.

"What you see is not a leak. It's a tear."

"A tear? What is it there for?", asked the Angel.

The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment,

loneliness, pride and dedication to all the values that she

and her Husband hold dear."

"You are a genius!" exclaimed the Angel.

The Lord looked puzzled and replied,

"I didn't put it there."


-Author Unknown

SICK..BLAH

it says:"something is wrong with my cactus you guys"


went to go eat sushi last night and got a bad batch.... ride back home was the worst. i feel like crap makes me not want to eat sushi for a while! .....

..... the ride which was bout a hour and a half back home was the worst car ride of my life.... and ended up taking up to almost three hours because of the constant puking of my brains. it lasted for a day. sushi now haunts me.

valentines day

this past week has sucked. all i have to say that my valentines day was the worst. for one i am alone and two i still haven’t heard from him at all. Well it is now the 17th and i got a phone call from his mother telling me to email him. why cant he email me? i been emailing him for the past 2 weeks is it i keep getting returned mail. back to the way valentines day was, i had decided to sleep threw the day. i wish i had heard from him or had gotten something more wished i heard from him. i got in an arguement with my sister also so i spent the rest crying. Sleep, cry,sleep..that was my valentines day. ya it was horrible, and rereading this i sound bitter so i think i will end this.

THE PICTURE TO THE SIDE IS OF MY TATTOO ON MY PELVIC.. I THOUGHT IT FIT IN WITH MY WHOLE VALENTINES DAY THING.

Lonely..

"i am miles from where you are, i lay down on the cold ground, i pray that something picks me up, and sets me down in your warm arms..." - snow patrol. set the fire on the third bar

Its been a while since i have wrote in this. What i been up to?nothing. our emails have gotten less. Are arguements have once again begun. I wish they wouldn’t especially since he’s away. My nights have become lonelier, and i find myself sometimes wishing i wake up and he’d be right next to me. He is really needed right now. I wish when he left that things were great but they weren’t, a little afraid of what our future holds when he comes back home. Right now though i just wish he was here me in his arms. No arguing , no anything just us to, me in his arms. but he’s out doing what he has to do and i continue with life some restless n lonely nights, a few tears here in there. Counting down the days i get to see him again.

DRAINED!

So today i came to the empty apartment. Got the locks changed, and i cleaned the apartment from top to bottom. They left a huge mess and u can tell no one had cleaned. I started at ten am today and finally ended at 1134pm. im so drained out, need to finally get sleep! got work tomorrow. Night everyone. i didnt write tues thru thurs really? what did i do those days? i cant even remember well reality its 1257am so this is thursday. blah!

upset

I am soon to be taking over my husbands apartment that he has. I went over and the place was a complete mess. It stank really bad, the carpet is dirty, the whole place in general was a complete pig stye. A friend of mine from middle school lives there along with his girlfriend and so does my brother in law. Ya , i am kicking everyone out. One my husband told me to cause no one but my husband pays rent up in there and its just thrashed. They had a friend staying there and i told them i wanted no one staying there at all what so ever and they ignored me. Then my friend said that i wasn’t a true friend cause i am kicking him out really i really don’t want to even go there. i had a wonderful day until all this. they are all out by wednesday, and truth i can not wait so i can get that place all cleaned up and everything going smooth again. As for the brother in law he’s cool to have around.

marriage

It is getting time for my anniversary...i am spending it alone this year for the hubby is deployed, but whats new we seem to learn to say good bye to practically every holiday and hope that we get at least one holiday together a year. Its apart of life, i have learned to accept it. My anniversary though boy thinking bout the day i got married puts a great smile to my face. My husband was deployed the day he asked me to marry him. I remember getting an email from him telling me that he send something to me in the mail to email him as soon as possible when i got it. that day i missed the mail but had a note from the mail man that my package was in the back. it was in a rectangle box and i thought a necklace! i opened it up and found a certified diamond envelope... i was confused. i moved it out of the way and there was a note.. it said i no that i am far away but when i get home will u marry me. on the side was a box with a ring in it. That is how my husband preposed to me. :D we kept it hidden from everyone except two friends. i woke up on feb. 2 got ready then went to my friends house. i then got ready again. that day was a reck though.. and nothing went right. in the end we met at the courthouse by the beach and became mr. and mrs. a week later we got an apartment moved in together and told our family that we had gotten married and although they were all pretty upset we didn’t care one bit at that moment.

> OUr Wedding Day. Even this day went completely wrong for us but in the end, we didn’t care for we had gotten married!

Deployment Day

On Jan. of 2010 me and my hubby woke up on the butt crack of down and headed out to the pier. It was deployment day n not to mention a really hot day out here. ugh i always suck on these days cause im horrible with goodbyes, and i guess cause it just hasn't hit me that ill be alone for a long while and be a long while before ill get to see him again. It also sucked that we left things on not good terms but left that day on good ones. blah deployments..u suck.

picture was taken at around 7am...who is awake at this time?