Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Reason Why.

I dont see it as running away but finding myself and who i am again. i think that i have stated that alot but i no that at the same time its hard for everyone to understand the true reason for why i left and why i decided to let go of everything; so i will try and explain. btw sorry guys for all these bad punctuations and run on sentences i just kind of right the way my brain rambles on and thinks i guess.

One of my biggest fears in life was to be exactly like my mother. My mother is not a bad person at all, she like everyone else in life has made mistakes and struggled and what not; shes not a bad person at all. What i mean is that since i was little i was always the spitting image of my mother and constantly reminded of how i looked like her. i used to hate it growing up now i dont mind at all. Thats not the point i trying to make here... sorry went off subject a little. What i mean is this... growing up i can remember my mother happy, a hard worker and then all of a sudden that changing... then i saw my mother crying and really unhappy. My parents divorced when i was bout what seven and of course then i couldnt understand. but seeing all that i always told myself to always make sure that i would never go threw that....eaiser to say i guess.

i got married when i was twenty and was so sure of myself until i do came and reality hit because then i moved in with him and saw the true person that he is and hated it. i guess i stayed because i didnt want to go threw a divorce, i wanted what my grandparents have, something so beautiful and special. maybe one day i will but i no its not with the one i married. If u haven't already noticed i changed the title of this blog. why because i am offically letting go ive done most of it for the most part i just need to finalize it.

What lead to my leaving..... it started like this. My husband was freaking out because something went wrong with the account. Navy cash card what not those that are navy or related somehow understand what im talking bout. It pulled all our money and left us with only 300. we tried to figure out what to do to get it.. rent of course is on the first and our apartments are the type where if u dont pay on time u will be served with papers and get evicted. we couldnt go to navy relief we had to come up with the money somehow. my sister had already paid my three-day disneyland ticket to go with her so he told me to go, but the whole time i couldnt enjoy it as much as i wanted cause i had all that stuff in the back of my head plus he was constantly messaging me making me worry about it more. My sister was irritated because of it and to my sister i am sorry. The last night i was there he called me and said that we were going to get evicted that he was told he had to move back on the ship and that i had to find a place to live. He had no clue where i was going to go and that he really didnt care. That i wasnt allowed a dime of money anymore at all and that he was going to move on the ship. we argued that night which caused me to argue with my sister. i called my mother that night and i broke down in tears. i guess i just reached my breaking point.
That day that i got home my roommate stated that he told them that i was going to pick up my things and leave. i was shocked to hear that i spent two days in my room smoking drinking and crying and asking myself why did i even come back? how could i let this all happen to me? why did i put up with it all? this isnt love and i didnt get married to go threw this at all. i made a list of all that i went threw....
i decided to still marry him after he got his x pregnant and just had a kid with her (while we were engaged) ..forgave him.
two weeks into my marriage we had a domestic violence case.. forgave him
got kicked out of my room n slept on the couch or floor... forgave him
he burned some of my clothes.. forgave him
had a full blown affair the whole marriage.. not forgiven
gave my wedding rings to another female then handed them back to me...not forgiven
.....thinking my husband is bipolar..........
i am not a perfect person, i have my faults and really the list of things that happened can go on and on. i once used to blame myself for all these things that have happened to me but then realized i cant blame myself for everything. He started to put me down more... telling me how he doesnt really like brunettes (mmm yet he married one) constantly telling me i need to loose weight and other stuff. i started to question the fact if he really cared for me at all, or was he just using me? one minute he would say he loved me the next it was like he didnt give a crap about me at all.

i guess everyone has there breaking points.... i have finally reached mine! i dont deserve to go threw all this no one does! so i did what i did. packed a bag and left. i didnt turn to my family because i get the constant reminder that i made the choice to stay married to him and what not and that is true. i kept myself in the situation but felt like i was constantly getting put down for it. plus some say that i only called when i needed or wanted something so i told myself i have to do this myself. i am happy with my choice that i have made i dont regret it one bit. but now i have to finalize it all so that i can truly keep moving on.

to my family: i am doing well. i love each and every single on of u. always member that and not that u are all with me in my heart and that there is not a day or moment that passes that i dont think about u guys. xoxox.