Its been a while since i have written in here i apologize... what has been going on lots of things... Jersey didnt work out for me so where did i go?
After jersey i hit maryland, then went to D.C. then back to maryland then hit CT. why so many places? the point was to see different places and find a comfy spot. but i didn't in any of those places.
where did i end up... Long Island , New York.
i have been in New York since November i have a job and although i have my down moments life seems to be getting better and better.
My divorce is going threw.. i wish it wasn't a pain in the ass or that it took so much money and papers to finalize... but although painful am glad to be closing this chapter of my life.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The Reason Why.
I dont see it as running away but finding myself and who i am again. i think that i have stated that alot but i no that at the same time its hard for everyone to understand the true reason for why i left and why i decided to let go of everything; so i will try and explain. btw sorry guys for all these bad punctuations and run on sentences i just kind of right the way my brain rambles on and thinks i guess.
One of my biggest fears in life was to be exactly like my mother. My mother is not a bad person at all, she like everyone else in life has made mistakes and struggled and what not; shes not a bad person at all. What i mean is that since i was little i was always the spitting image of my mother and constantly reminded of how i looked like her. i used to hate it growing up now i dont mind at all. Thats not the point i trying to make here... sorry went off subject a little. What i mean is this... growing up i can remember my mother happy, a hard worker and then all of a sudden that changing... then i saw my mother crying and really unhappy. My parents divorced when i was bout what seven and of course then i couldnt understand. but seeing all that i always told myself to always make sure that i would never go threw that....eaiser to say i guess.
i got married when i was twenty and was so sure of myself until i do came and reality hit because then i moved in with him and saw the true person that he is and hated it. i guess i stayed because i didnt want to go threw a divorce, i wanted what my grandparents have, something so beautiful and special. maybe one day i will but i no its not with the one i married. If u haven't already noticed i changed the title of this blog. why because i am offically letting go ive done most of it for the most part i just need to finalize it.
What lead to my leaving..... it started like this. My husband was freaking out because something went wrong with the account. Navy cash card what not those that are navy or related somehow understand what im talking bout. It pulled all our money and left us with only 300. we tried to figure out what to do to get it.. rent of course is on the first and our apartments are the type where if u dont pay on time u will be served with papers and get evicted. we couldnt go to navy relief we had to come up with the money somehow. my sister had already paid my three-day disneyland ticket to go with her so he told me to go, but the whole time i couldnt enjoy it as much as i wanted cause i had all that stuff in the back of my head plus he was constantly messaging me making me worry about it more. My sister was irritated because of it and to my sister i am sorry. The last night i was there he called me and said that we were going to get evicted that he was told he had to move back on the ship and that i had to find a place to live. He had no clue where i was going to go and that he really didnt care. That i wasnt allowed a dime of money anymore at all and that he was going to move on the ship. we argued that night which caused me to argue with my sister. i called my mother that night and i broke down in tears. i guess i just reached my breaking point.
That day that i got home my roommate stated that he told them that i was going to pick up my things and leave. i was shocked to hear that i spent two days in my room smoking drinking and crying and asking myself why did i even come back? how could i let this all happen to me? why did i put up with it all? this isnt love and i didnt get married to go threw this at all. i made a list of all that i went threw....
i decided to still marry him after he got his x pregnant and just had a kid with her (while we were engaged) ..forgave him.
two weeks into my marriage we had a domestic violence case.. forgave him
got kicked out of my room n slept on the couch or floor... forgave him
he burned some of my clothes.. forgave him
had a full blown affair the whole marriage.. not forgiven
gave my wedding rings to another female then handed them back to me...not forgiven
.....thinking my husband is bipolar..........
i am not a perfect person, i have my faults and really the list of things that happened can go on and on. i once used to blame myself for all these things that have happened to me but then realized i cant blame myself for everything. He started to put me down more... telling me how he doesnt really like brunettes (mmm yet he married one) constantly telling me i need to loose weight and other stuff. i started to question the fact if he really cared for me at all, or was he just using me? one minute he would say he loved me the next it was like he didnt give a crap about me at all.
i guess everyone has there breaking points.... i have finally reached mine! i dont deserve to go threw all this no one does! so i did what i did. packed a bag and left. i didnt turn to my family because i get the constant reminder that i made the choice to stay married to him and what not and that is true. i kept myself in the situation but felt like i was constantly getting put down for it. plus some say that i only called when i needed or wanted something so i told myself i have to do this myself. i am happy with my choice that i have made i dont regret it one bit. but now i have to finalize it all so that i can truly keep moving on.
to my family: i am doing well. i love each and every single on of u. always member that and not that u are all with me in my heart and that there is not a day or moment that passes that i dont think about u guys. xoxox.
One of my biggest fears in life was to be exactly like my mother. My mother is not a bad person at all, she like everyone else in life has made mistakes and struggled and what not; shes not a bad person at all. What i mean is that since i was little i was always the spitting image of my mother and constantly reminded of how i looked like her. i used to hate it growing up now i dont mind at all. Thats not the point i trying to make here... sorry went off subject a little. What i mean is this... growing up i can remember my mother happy, a hard worker and then all of a sudden that changing... then i saw my mother crying and really unhappy. My parents divorced when i was bout what seven and of course then i couldnt understand. but seeing all that i always told myself to always make sure that i would never go threw that....eaiser to say i guess.
i got married when i was twenty and was so sure of myself until i do came and reality hit because then i moved in with him and saw the true person that he is and hated it. i guess i stayed because i didnt want to go threw a divorce, i wanted what my grandparents have, something so beautiful and special. maybe one day i will but i no its not with the one i married. If u haven't already noticed i changed the title of this blog. why because i am offically letting go ive done most of it for the most part i just need to finalize it.
What lead to my leaving..... it started like this. My husband was freaking out because something went wrong with the account. Navy cash card what not those that are navy or related somehow understand what im talking bout. It pulled all our money and left us with only 300. we tried to figure out what to do to get it.. rent of course is on the first and our apartments are the type where if u dont pay on time u will be served with papers and get evicted. we couldnt go to navy relief we had to come up with the money somehow. my sister had already paid my three-day disneyland ticket to go with her so he told me to go, but the whole time i couldnt enjoy it as much as i wanted cause i had all that stuff in the back of my head plus he was constantly messaging me making me worry about it more. My sister was irritated because of it and to my sister i am sorry. The last night i was there he called me and said that we were going to get evicted that he was told he had to move back on the ship and that i had to find a place to live. He had no clue where i was going to go and that he really didnt care. That i wasnt allowed a dime of money anymore at all and that he was going to move on the ship. we argued that night which caused me to argue with my sister. i called my mother that night and i broke down in tears. i guess i just reached my breaking point.
That day that i got home my roommate stated that he told them that i was going to pick up my things and leave. i was shocked to hear that i spent two days in my room smoking drinking and crying and asking myself why did i even come back? how could i let this all happen to me? why did i put up with it all? this isnt love and i didnt get married to go threw this at all. i made a list of all that i went threw....
i decided to still marry him after he got his x pregnant and just had a kid with her (while we were engaged) ..forgave him.
two weeks into my marriage we had a domestic violence case.. forgave him
got kicked out of my room n slept on the couch or floor... forgave him
he burned some of my clothes.. forgave him
had a full blown affair the whole marriage.. not forgiven
gave my wedding rings to another female then handed them back to me...not forgiven
.....thinking my husband is bipolar..........
i am not a perfect person, i have my faults and really the list of things that happened can go on and on. i once used to blame myself for all these things that have happened to me but then realized i cant blame myself for everything. He started to put me down more... telling me how he doesnt really like brunettes (mmm yet he married one) constantly telling me i need to loose weight and other stuff. i started to question the fact if he really cared for me at all, or was he just using me? one minute he would say he loved me the next it was like he didnt give a crap about me at all.
i guess everyone has there breaking points.... i have finally reached mine! i dont deserve to go threw all this no one does! so i did what i did. packed a bag and left. i didnt turn to my family because i get the constant reminder that i made the choice to stay married to him and what not and that is true. i kept myself in the situation but felt like i was constantly getting put down for it. plus some say that i only called when i needed or wanted something so i told myself i have to do this myself. i am happy with my choice that i have made i dont regret it one bit. but now i have to finalize it all so that i can truly keep moving on.
to my family: i am doing well. i love each and every single on of u. always member that and not that u are all with me in my heart and that there is not a day or moment that passes that i dont think about u guys. xoxox.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My First Weekend n my new residence i guess u can say...
Getting here was a butt killer, but i have finally arrived in my final spot where i will be living. Its cold out here in Jersey and i no that it is only going to get colder which means i have to find a job fast so i can get warm clothes. But it is the weekend and i had to enjoy it plus u cant find a job on the weekend.
Friday- well friday i arrived here and as tired as i was i woke up because i was just in aw with this place. my friend drived me around to show me. we then got to the house and i was introduced to the other roommates. we all didnt no what to do but we knew it was going to be a cold night so we went to go get firewood. chopped it up and made a fire. we all stayed in drank and watched movies. by midnight we were all passed out. good night.
Saturday- Creamy Acres Farms Night Of Terror!!! omg!! we lounged around till bout 430 and headed out to creamy acres for this haunted stuff and omg it was so worth it it was crazy and scary and wow. if u are out in jersey go to it.after that we got home played the lil pig game i forgot the name sounds stupid but lol it was fun. then we hit the bar to see some of my friends family and went to wawa.. i love that place lol. did i mention out here ur not allowed to pump ur own gas at all.. thats crazy!
this is the link to there site:http://www.nightofterror.com/home.html
Sunday- right now and were all just being bums typical sunday.
Friday- well friday i arrived here and as tired as i was i woke up because i was just in aw with this place. my friend drived me around to show me. we then got to the house and i was introduced to the other roommates. we all didnt no what to do but we knew it was going to be a cold night so we went to go get firewood. chopped it up and made a fire. we all stayed in drank and watched movies. by midnight we were all passed out. good night.
Saturday- Creamy Acres Farms Night Of Terror!!! omg!! we lounged around till bout 430 and headed out to creamy acres for this haunted stuff and omg it was so worth it it was crazy and scary and wow. if u are out in jersey go to it.after that we got home played the lil pig game i forgot the name sounds stupid but lol it was fun. then we hit the bar to see some of my friends family and went to wawa.. i love that place lol. did i mention out here ur not allowed to pump ur own gas at all.. thats crazy!
this is the link to there site:http://www.nightofterror.com/home.html
Sunday- right now and were all just being bums typical sunday.
VA,DC,NY TO NJ
I once again hopped on the bus and had a long layover n each of these places to get out and visit them a little. VA, & DC i had already did that so i kind of just slept but NY wow i fell in love! then i hit atlantic city new jersey. Its like a tiny vegas there so of course i played a lil black jack.
my final destination is new jersey. took a hour drive to get to my new place i call home. its cold out here but i like it.
my final destination is new jersey. took a hour drive to get to my new place i call home. its cold out here but i like it.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My last night in North Carolina
tonight is my last night in north carolina i have to say that i am a little sad. i have met and hung out with great people and had a blast. Two nights ago got a phone call from my brother in texas and it was a great talk! yay i do have to add though although im a miss north carolina i will not miss the mosquitos!!!! great new memories here.
....other notes...
my hair is still falling out like crazy... i kind of feel like im bout to go bald no joke. its strands have minus but still if it keeps up im not going to have any more hair. i also member making fun of my moms hair when i was younger did i get the curse? :(
i was thinking today bout several things. on the radio the chick said something bout life and needing to sometimes have to take risks and all to change things and be happy and what not. and i thought bout my life right now, what im going threw etc..i got a lil fear n me what if i dont make it out here? then again i membered some wise words a family member once told me about how we come from a line of very strong women. i thought bout the things my mom and sister went threw, my grandmother and great grandmother and thought if they all did it regardless of each situation being different then i can do it too and my fear went away.
i am proud to come from the family that i do i love each and every single one of u!
....other notes...
my hair is still falling out like crazy... i kind of feel like im bout to go bald no joke. its strands have minus but still if it keeps up im not going to have any more hair. i also member making fun of my moms hair when i was younger did i get the curse? :(
i was thinking today bout several things. on the radio the chick said something bout life and needing to sometimes have to take risks and all to change things and be happy and what not. and i thought bout my life right now, what im going threw etc..i got a lil fear n me what if i dont make it out here? then again i membered some wise words a family member once told me about how we come from a line of very strong women. i thought bout the things my mom and sister went threw, my grandmother and great grandmother and thought if they all did it regardless of each situation being different then i can do it too and my fear went away.
i am proud to come from the family that i do i love each and every single one of u!
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Attack of The Mosquitos
so im sitting outside here surrounded by trees an open grass, really a beautiful setting. the sun is out shining nice and bright the sky is clear of clouds. ... that wasn't the case yesterday. yesterday had somewhat of the same setting but a lil humid , not bad at all and had lots of clouds. i sat down to try and get a blog in... yea seems like one i started getting half way threw it start to rain for 5 min and then stop id try again and the rain would come back. Around six came it was clear the sun was barely going to go down i figure i run and get a blog in for out here is the only place where i get internet service and well my phone is off, so this my only communication for now. yea i sat for a min and started getting attacked by mosquitos i now have bout 30 marks all over my body from one min. No fun at all. my allergies also started up today and have eyes swollen and two mosquito bites on my face.. awesome...not!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Day One n The Phone Call
I got here to North Carolina as u no and my friend was already waiting for me at the station. my friend had to go into work but i was able to tag along. this is going to be interesting lol. had a fun time hanging out with him and everyone he works with. They got off early for some beach bash thing. We go get ready all decide to take a shot before we go and buy some beer and head out. we didnt go to the beach bash but were across from them we went to the beach side. y did i not take a picture of this. the water looks completely different out here. the sand is super soft nothing like cali sand and the water is not salty an nasty like cali. but i will still always like Cali beaches. Great day so far.
..... as the day goes on the faster im tired.... this time difference really messes u up i tell u.......
the phone call....
i got a phone call today from my brother in texas, but it wasnt a happy or good phone call at all it was an angry one. hes mad that i made this decision and he hung up on me. i tried calling back but he wouldnt answer. My heart crushed and just fell to tiny pieces and i broke down for the first time that i been out here. How do i explain to a 15 year old what i am going threw? How do i explain to anyone the exact feeling that i have or going threw with them being able to say ok and understand. you cant. no one will ever truly no what u feel or are going threw if they havent lived it themselves in ur shoes. i just want my brothers to no that i love them both more then anything in this world along with everyone else in my family. this decision isnt to never see them again cause i will, its not to pull away from them or anything like that. its to find myself, to find my happiness, to do the things i told myself i want to do but couldnt.
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